I really sat and thought hard today. As I munched on a snack, I thought about everything I am walking away from. The difficult years of qualifying over and over again, to men that didn't want me around in the first place. The tears that I hide from them, when I fell short of expectations. The biting my lip when I got called all sorts of things when I messed up as an apprentice. I mean, I truly struggled through the four year apprenticeship; I was determined. In 2005 it was the only thing I had ever set my mind to and completed. It was a huge deal to me, sort of the great pyramid of Vanishingword's life. Each stone was placed with deliberation. I spent hours in class rooms, hours getting yelled at, hours sweating in the blazing sun. I worked upside down, underneath things, crawled in mud, got soaked in rain, had my boots fill with sea water and sea weed. I had birds poop on me, sun blister my nose, I drove a handrail post through my lip, and almost got fired for telling the boss what I thought of his plans.
I drove myself mercilessly to be competitive, and excel past my co-apprentices.
*sigh*
But I am leaving it. Its been 10 years since I was last in college, I'm over 32, and I'm scared that I'm too old and dumb to learn any new subjects.
